Closure

It's been a little over 3 months since I've blogged. Mostly because we have been incredibly busy but partly because I felt that I was in a strange place in my life and didn't really know what to say.

A little update: I finished my associates degree! What a weight off of my shoulders! I buried myself in school those last couple of months to make sure that everything was in order and that nothing was stopping me from finishing. Secondly, we moved! After 3 years and 2 months, we finally left the Camp Lejeune/Jacksonville area. We were blessed to receive orders to our hometown of Summerville, South Carolina. We bought a beautiful 4 bedroom home and moved our small family into it. It is absolutely perfect for us to grow into and hopefully add another little family member ;) We adopted a puppy that we named Hunter. He is part timber wolf, alaskan wolf, and about 5% husky. He's full of energy and we love him already! I'm taking summer classes at our local community college and will be attending College of Charleston in the fall. Evan turned THREE and as fun as it is, it is equally challenging! What a defiant age three is...

While we have been busy working on all of the above, my mind hasn't stopped spinning. I continued therapy in Jacksonville and made a good bit of progress. I feel as though I have finally made peace with the situation. It took some time but continue reading to see how I got there... The hardest part for me was trying to understand why. WHY? What a tricky question. I have always believed that there was a reason for everything. Call it God's will, fate, destiny, whatever... But I just could not understand why I had to watch my little boy, my whole world, suffer the way that he did. I was so caught up in being angry and hurt that I couldn't get past the "it just isn't fair" part. Childish, I know. But no matter what I said, who I talked to, I couldn't get through it.

So I decided to let it go.

And then I found myself enjoying what life had to offer me, all of the amazing changes that were coming up, and celebrating my success. It was incredible. Then one night, I started to think about it again. I looked at how well things were going now compared to how "well" they were going before the tornado. So it's time for me to be honest with myself... my life sucked. My marriage was failing horribly. We had gotten to a point where we just existed with each other rather than actually being a couple. And for a point of time, my husband even moved out of the house per my request. There was an upcoming deployment that I was actually looking forward to because I wanted time to myself. So when disaster struck, we found a common ground: Evan. No matter what our differences were, Evan was always our number one priority. We found strength in each other. Jesse was excused from his upcoming deployment in order to make Evan his number one priority. And in time instead of falling apart, we fell together. Don't get me wrong, this was no overnight achievement. It took months... and I mean months for us to find ourselves compatible again. And I'm glad we did. It's nice being happy again. Not only with myself but with him.

Now am I saying that the reason for the tornado was to save our marriage? Absolutely not. I'll probably never understand why. And at this point I don't really care anymore. It's done and over. Evan is thriving and happy and that is more than I could ever hope for.

Learning to stay thankful

I have a friend named Jenny. Typically, if you know me... you know her. We've been friends since Evan was just a few weeks old and she was still pregnant with Mason. She's become my on the side therapist listening to me say the same things over and over. She experienced the tornado with me. Literally. She was still on the phone with me, in my pocket, when it hit our house. She was in Greenville the next day to see us. She came up every week. She collected donations and helped us rebuild our home. All while her husband was still in CAX and she had Mason. Yeah, I think she's superwoman too.

But I was talking with her the other day and telling her about how I didn't understand why I'm struggling with my issues and she reminded me something of something so simple: I have a lot to be thankful for. I've known all along that I am so blessed to have survived. That my son has no lifelong injuries (that we know of) and will hopefully continue to have a normal childhood. Yes, those two things I am VERY aware of. But the fact that I still struggle trying to find the joy in my life is a problem. I don't understand why it's hard for me to enjoy life anymore. Why I don't feel like going out or doing things. Why my once pristine home is now a disaster all the time. I feel lazy, I feel ungrateful and I don't know why.

So I'm going to try and keep a reminder of why my life really isn't terrible. Because it's not. My mind and body just act like it is.

*I have a beautiful, happy, HEALTHY, amazing son named Evan. He is the pride and joy of my life. He can make me smile on the most terrible of days. He is caring and loves to give me hugs and ask me why I'm sad. He is the best thing I have ever done in my life.

*My husband is more than I could ever ask for. He is supportive of everything I do. He plays the role of both parents when I am at school tuesday and thursday nights. Whenever I am overloaded with homework, he always helps in any way possible. He has suck by my side when I don't deserve it.

*I have a supportive family. My entire family was at the hospital within 24 hours of the news. They put their life on pause to be by our sides and help in any way possible. They take joy and pride in my, Jesse, and Evan's accomplishments. They love us unconditionally.

*I am thankful for my friend Jenny. For listening to my endless rants. For being by my side when I needed it the most. For telling me when I'm being stupid.

*I am thankful that I can go to school. As much as it drains me, it's a great feeling knowing that I soon will be able to have a job that can provide for my family. And I'm thankful that I'm doing well! And was accepted into two major schools that I love!

*I'm thankful that even though my biggest injury form the tornado (my teeth) is a pain in my ass, I don't have to pay for it. AMCC graciously donated $9,000 towards my dental work and Dr. Hehr and Dr. Green are doing the rest at no cost to me. It's so difficult to not have four front teeth. It's embarrassing. It's impossible to eat most things. It's painful. It's tiring. But I am getting that fixed for free. And for a $34,000 procedure, I can't ask for anything more. My smile may not be as beautiful as it once was due to such extensive damage, but at least I can smile. And I have things to smile about.

Braving the wind

I think it's safe to say that I've had a fear of the wind since the tornado. I experienced a bit of PTSD afterwards and suffered severe panic attacks. I learned to breathe through uneasiness and calm myself down during small panic attacks. The last one I had was just before Hurricane Irene, last fall. We haven't experienced a bad storm since then. But today during school after a round of kick ball in my Fit&Well for Life class, I took notice of the wind picking up and the clouds racing across the sky. I found myself white knuckled and breathing heavy. We are expecting high winds and heavy storms through the weekend. I'm becoming nervous just thinking about how I will react. We are officially under a tornado warning until 8 pm.

I'm a firm believer in natural methods before medication (with the exception of Tylenol for fevers and Motrin for headaches). So I suppose now is the time where I work on breathing through the anxiety and counting slowly. I have medication on standby in case it gets too terrible. The winds are whistling, my sick little boy is snuggled in pj's while watching Mickey, and I'm taking this one step at a time.

Therapy...

Today I went to my first therapy session. I never thought I would end up in therapy but there I was. Circumstances outside of my control landed me there. I've found that since the tornado, I've lost my zest for life. I find myself not wanting to go places or try new things. I don't even have the desire to keep up with my daily demands. I am exhausted all hours of the day no matter how much sleep I get. The doctor believes that it is because my mind went into crisis mode after the tornado. When things settled down I went from running full speed to not at all. I lost the ability to balance life and I lost the ability to enjoy it. So now I'm on my journey to find my balance again. I want to love my life instead of just pretending I do.

I never really have seen myself as a blogger. But things have changed for me over the past year and I've decided that by suggestion, I need an outlet in life. I need a place where I can share my thoughts. To read them out loud. And to track my progress. Will some find this silly? Probably. Will some see this as an outlet for me to seek attention? Of course. But this blog is not for you, it is for me.